


just old light

by sleepinnude



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel POV, Introspective Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:28:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22947820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepinnude/pseuds/sleepinnude
Summary: There is a barn and there is the Righteous Man and there is Castiel. In the aftermath of meeting Dean Winchester for the first time (on Earth, at least), Castiel reflects.[written for thesupernatural prompt challenge]
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 7
Kudos: 37





	just old light

**Author's Note:**

> for the prompt “a missing scene from canon you’d like to see”

Castiel lands near a bench and the body he wears stumbles forward. Knees, he’s finding, are a terrible inconvenience. Jimmy’s have suffered from his time as a college athlete and, while this doesn’t affect Castiel’s movement, it’s something he’s aware of. This body, he’s very aware of it. Aware of all its muscles and bones, as he lowers to sit on the bench. 

There’s still a spray of gunpowder, a blossom of blood, adorning Jimmy’s trench coat. “Holy tax accountant,” Castiel repeats, feeling the shape of each word carefully. Something like a smile finds his face. It’s late -- late enough that the appearance of a man, bloody and shot and smiling, in the middle of a park won’t alarm anyone. So he sits, hands splayed carefully over Jimmy’s knees. He wonders what Dean Winchester is doing. Helping his friend, no doubt, explaining all that Castiel had told him. Returning to his brother.

Dean Winchester, wearing the flesh Castiel remade for him. It was...an experience to see it before him, through Jimmy’s perception. Castiel is still parsing through the specifics of it. Others in the garrison were less than impressed: This Michael Sword was so very human. That was the point, but it still felt anticlimactic.

Not to Castiel, though. This was God’s will after all but beyond that… Well, Castiel always liked humans. And Dean Winchester is a stunning cast of humanity -- flawed and traumatized and rough-shorn and so beautifully desperate to make up for it by saving lives. 

There are already stories of how the corrupted soul of the Righteous Man shuddered to behold Castiel in Hell, how he fell to his knees, averted his eyes. Heaven, though, is full of stories. The truth is, Castiel trembled before Dean’s soul. Through Hellfire, through blood and shards of bone, Dean Winchester shone like nothing Castiel had seen. It wasn’t bright, it wasn’t blinding, it couldn’t rival an angel’s grace for brilliance. But it was so determined. Here, on a bend in Midwestern summer, Castiel shudders to recall it. Diminished, damaged, but burning on. 

The truth is, Castiel is more than fond of humans and that’s why he’s always been so good at following God’s will. Cas loves humankind. And Dean is so human. The rest of his siblings called him the Michael Sword but Castiel hasn’t been able to, not since Hell. Not since he saw Dean Winchester, raised him, crafted him back. Humans, Castiel has always known, are tricky, complicated things. That used to be something he knew, abstractly, but it feels more concrete than his own name, now.

He raises Jimmy’s right hand, studies the palm of it, flexes its fingers. It wasn’t Jimmy’s hand, of course, that had taken hold of Dean. He hadn’t touched Dean, back at that barn, but how he had wanted to. To want at all is strange and new -- outside of the want to fulfill God’s order. To want in the direction of humans, a single human. Castiel wanted to protect Pamela Barnes, wanted to soothe Bobby, wanted to heal Sam, wanted to speak to Dean, wanted Dean to perceive the truth of him, wanted to complete the final arc of God’s will with Dean. He...wants. Jimmy’s throat swallows. And, in that barn, Robert Singer at his feet, Castiel wanted to lay a hand to Dean Winchester.

He closes the fingers of Jimmy’s hands into a fist, thinks about weapons and tools and wills. Dean Winchester was a weapon, his father’s blunt instrument, Alastair’s canvas. Dean Winchester is a weapon, the Sword of Michael. Dean Winchester has divine purpose and Castiel does too, in serving him. He tips his face to the sky, closes Jimmy’s eyes and prays, Father... but doesn’t have words beyond that. For the first time, Castiel does not want to speak to the Lord, he wants… He wants to speak to Dean. He wants to watch him move, watch him think and choose and decide. He wants to, even, watch him rant and curse at Castiel. He wants… Oh, he wants.

Dean is not the Michael Sword. He is, but he is very much more, or even less. He is so terribly, divinely human it brings a catch to Jimmy’s chest. Castiel doesn’t breathe but if he did, it would be hitched. Castiel doesn’t know just what Dean Winchester is (Michael Sword, Righteous Man, human, Castiel’s…) Because God commanded it, he told Dean and that is true. But the moment Castiel knew of Dean, he was helpless to do anything other than save him. That Dean deserved to be pulled from Hell became an inexorable truth, not because God made it so, but because Castiel knew Dean and Castiel knew that much.

Castiel always followed orders and he is thankful that God held to the command of Dean’s rescue. If He decided otherwise, Castiel isn’t sure that he would have been able to obey. Or, he would have, and then would have Despaired, and then fallen. 

Just a day ago, Castiel declared it: Dean Winchester is saved. As he spoke, Castiel’s next thought was that he himself was saved as well.

**Author's Note:**

> title from regina spektor's "samson"
> 
> see about me on [tumblr](https://sweatercas.tumblr.com/)


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